Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
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“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage