They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
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Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
I love snow
– People who never shovel
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?