do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
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Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.