honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
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Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.