Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
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Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
whenever i wake up before my alarm
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME