Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
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Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.