*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
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Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.