It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
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gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
I need better friends
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
I have so many questions.