OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
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Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job