[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
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My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist