[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
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Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
if a cop pulls u over play dead
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Only Americans understand
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.