Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
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“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates