As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
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“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer: