Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
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[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Love this one 😂🧟
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
S O O N
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN