Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
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3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?