Ape together strong
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The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
When you pick your nose after dusting the house