What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
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If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap