Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
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We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Phones down.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me