it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
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the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.