Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
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Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Today’s Times
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps