One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
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There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.