Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
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ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Not even remotely sorry.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way