3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
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Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Every work call, he judges.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.