When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
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Just so funny
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
work smarter, not harder
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
(yawn)
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.