“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
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Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.