Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
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There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer