Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
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PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
i did the math
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.