A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
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*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Happy Halloween 🎃
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Eat…
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are