Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
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You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
I’m having an out of money experience.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.