[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
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You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Shoo shoo! 😂
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!