who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
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Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles