A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
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No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Hello Twits.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh