“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
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AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
my nickname in college
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
me after drinking all the wine:
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive