I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
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GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.