When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
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I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
What the hell is going on?
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.