COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
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“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people