12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
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My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
💯😂
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall