My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
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What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit