I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
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me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Haha! 😂
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.