Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
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nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.