I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
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[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.