One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
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[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3