If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
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Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words