The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
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Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.