A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
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I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.