[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
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Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog