After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
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don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
How is it still this week?
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.