It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
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This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
i dont have time for this
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.