How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
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A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Sunday
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!