Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
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Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
I would move hell over six inches for you
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start